Bride of the Monster
by Edward D. Wood Jr.
opening credits of Bride
of the Monster roll against a backdrop scene of a very
spooky-looking house on a stormy night. The rain lashes down, the
lightning flashes and it looks like it has the making of a very good
movie. For me the looks were deceptive becuase I didn't really enjoy
the movie. If I ever have nothing to do on a stormy night though, and
the rain is lashing down outside, I might watch it again.
The spooky-looking house is the home of Dr Eric Vornoff who has only
his manservant, Lobo, for company. Lobo is supposed to look menacing
and perhaps if I were 30 years younger he would look
menacing, but to me what Lobo really looks like is a genie that has
lost his lamp and had to take up alternative employment as henchman to
a mad scientist.
Vornoff is an exile from his homeland because his Russian comrades
considered him a few tokens short for a pop-up toaster when he began to
explain his theories about atomic energy and its untapped usefulness
when it comes to making a race of superhumans. Now Vornoff travels the
world and conducts his experiments in private and he seems to always
take up residence in property that is near a lake. His present property
is near a lake and there would seem to be a monster living in the lake.
After Vornoff had lived near Loch Ness for a while, we are lead to
believe, Nessie suddenly started putting in an appearance. I am not
sure what the Scottish Tourist Board would make of that one, but I
suppose that they can't prove that Nessie wasn't the brainchild of a
batty scientist with an unhealthy interest in nuclear physics.
The area around Vornoff's home is not the safest place for a picnic or
a spot of bird watching because (even if you forget about the
crocodiles, and the monster doesn't get you) Lobo has the charming
habit of kidnapping people and then manhandling them onto the couch in
Vornoff's laboratory. Once he has them on his couch Vornoff straps the
poor blighters down and puts something that looks vaguely reminiscent
of a metal colander onto their heads. He then subjects them to a little
unwanted radiation treatment that will either kill them or turn them
into superhumans. So far Vornoff's radioactive collander has
been a toatal failure.
In the guise of a monster hunter, former associate of Vornoff,
Professor Strowski has been travelling the world in search of him.
After Vornoff's obvious success at places like Loch Ness, Vornoff's
homeland want to welcome him back, whether he welcomes the idea or not.
Needless to say, Vornoff has no desire to go home, so poor, old
Strowski becomes monster bait. Meanwhile a nosy female reporter has
turned up at the lake and she too ends up in the clutches of the man
that would make monsters. Unfortunately for Vornoff, Lobo gets the hots
for little miss read-all-about-it, so he turns on his master.
I am not going to tell you what happens exactly,
but suffice it to say that Vornoff gets a taste of his own medicine,
courtesy of Lobo, and becomes a changed man. He becomes a bigger man
too, or seems to, until you notice that he is wearing a pair of built
up shoes that would not look amiss on the feet of the Pinball Wizard.
Bride of the
Monster is not a particularly good movie, but I suppose
it is a must-see for fans of Bela Lugosi (who is looking rather old in
this one). Fans of Giant rubber octopuses might also want to give it a
... Dr. Eric Vornoff
... Lt. Dick Craig
... Janet Lawton
... Capt. Tom Robbins
... Prof. Vladimir Strowski
... Officer Kelton
... Det. Marty Martin
'Billy' Benedict ... Newsboy
black and white
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